The Dumbass Demon Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  CHAPTER ONE

  CHAPTER TWO

  CHAPTER THREE

  CHAPTER FOUR

  CHAPTER FIVE

  CHAPTER SIX

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  CHAPTER NINE

  CHAPTER TEN

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  About the Author

  THE DUMBASS DEMON

  by Gary Jonas

  CHAPTER ONE

  When my asshole father called, I was levitating a baseball in the living room. The son of a bitch wanted to FaceTime. Wonderful. It was six o’clock on a warm September evening, so I couldn’t just ignore the call, though that was my first instinct. I kept the ball in the air and answered the phone, trying to position myself on the screen so he could see that I was actually working magic, but as soon as I focused on the phone, my concentration lagged and the ball dropped.

  “Please tell me you’re buying a new house where Sabrina can live,” I said instead of just going with the traditional, What did I do wrong this time?

  “I don’t need another house in Galveston. You should be practicing.”

  “You’re right. My band has a gig tonight at nine.”

  “I don’t care about your stupid band, Brett. I’m talking about magic. You have no respect for the craft, and as such, you have no future.”

  I considered telling him the truth, that I had been practicing when he called, but I didn’t want him to call me a liar, so I just shrugged and said, “Let me check my schedule. When will I have time to think about the future?” I rubbed my chin then nodded. “Maybe tomorrow.”

  He sighed. “Typical. Sabrina tells me you’re making progress, but I can tell from your attitude that you’re still slacking. Lakesha also tells me you’re learning, but I’m not convinced.”

  “So you think they’d lie to you?”

  “They want the money to keep flowing.”

  “Trust issues much?” I asked. “Did you catch Mom with the mailman again?”

  “What?”

  “Just kidding,” I said. “That was Joey.” Joey was my older brother, and I was making up the mailman story with him, too, but we all knew he’d gone through an experimental stage in college.

  “You’re not funny.”

  “I don’t know. Maybe you should conjure up a sense of humor.”

  “I have a much better idea. I’m conjuring incentive.”

  Before I could ask what that meant, my father bit the inside of his cheek, drawing blood—he has a telling twitch in his left eye when he does this, but his enemies are still unable to capitalize on it. Smoke swirled out of my phone, trailed to the floor, and solidified into a four foot tall red-skinned bald guy with yellow eyes and sharp teeth. He wore black briefs and nothing else. His claws were dark, sharp, and curved.

  As his weight settled on my living room carpet, which happens to be a carnivorous import named Mangani, I half-expected her to roll up and eat the red dude, but she didn’t even ripple in anticipation.

  “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” I said.

  “No more delay tactics, son,” my father said. “The demon won’t kill you, but his job is to make life miserable for you if you don’t get off your ass and start growing into the wizard you’re supposed to be. Have fun.”

  And he hung up on me.

  I turned and stared at the red demon dude.

  “Shall we go through the formalities of introductions and methods of address?” the demon asked.

  “So you’re a demon,” I said.

  “Oh, I see,” he said. “The intellectual level upon which I operate needs to be dialed down a bit.”

  “What?”

  “Correction. Dialed down a lot. This assignment may prove to be more debilitating to my core being because I’ll have to lower myself to a level beneath yours.”

  “That was a lot of words,” I said.

  He blinked a few times. “Well, shucks. Do you know what I’m saying now?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Goody goody gumdrops.” He looked me up and down. “I thought you were born of a high wizard.”

  I grinned. “I’m a wizard who likes to get high. Does that count?”

  He grinned. “Age thirty or so, intellect seems to be stuck at twelve.”

  “Whatever. You didn’t answer my question,” I said.

  “Fine. It doesn’t count for much.”

  “No, I mean about you being a demon,” I said.

  “Maybe not twelve yet.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “You said to me, ‘So, you’re a demon.’ That’s a statement, not a question.”

  “I don’t see any horns on your forehead,” I said.

  He smiled, and the jagged teeth punctured his lips, but the black blood poured into his mouth. “You don’t want to see me when I’m horny,” he said. Then he winked. “Or maybe you do.”

  “Go to hell,” I said.

  “Technically, there is no such place as hell, though I’ve heard it said that hell is where the heart is, and I can get behind that.”

  “You gonna talk me to death?”

  “If only.” He sighed. “Let’s start over. I’m your personal demon, and my name is Kevinaticulus, but you can call me Kevin.”

  He kept that smile plastered on his ugly mug and extended a clawed hand.

  I did not accept the handshake.

  “No,” I said.

  “Is Kevin too many syllables for you?”

  “This isn’t happening,” I said. “I’m not doing this.”

  “Not your choice. Your father summoned me, and I’m here to do his bidding.”

  “I don’t like this.”

  “Welcome to the club. As soon as you develop even a little bit of skill, you’ll be able to send me back to my dimension. I’d really like to go back. You wouldn’t believe the bazongas on the demoness I was about to bed before your asshole father snatched me away. I worked for centuries to get her into my chamber.”

  “Go back to your demon bitch in that other dimension then.”

  “Don’t call Gorenzia a bitch, you sniveling little pissant.” And he zapped me in the nuts with a jolt of electricity.

  “Oh!” I doubled over and clutched my crotch. My balls buzzed painfully and I dropped to one knee.

  Kevin tilted his head to the side. “Would you like another? Too many shots will make you sterile, but that’s probably a good thing.”

  “Go away.”

  “Make me.”

  “I don’t know how.”

  “Duh,” he said, and tapped my forehead. “Learn.”

  “Easy for you to say.”

  He shrugged. “Before I take on my task and drop down to the level I’ll need to play on, allow me lay out some ground rules.”

  “And back to the talking. Let me lay down so you can put me right to sleep.”

  He smiled and his sharp teeth glistened. “I’m allowed to deprive you of sleep.”

  “Good luck with that one.”

  I walked away from him, but he followed me and kept right on nattering.

&nbs
p; “I’m not allowed to kill you,” he said, “but if you choose to kill yourself, that’s perfectly acceptable under article seven, section twelve-A in the demon service agreement.”

  “That’s not going to happen.” I stopped in the kitchen, opened the fridge to see if there was anything to drink. No such luck. I checked the cupboard to see if we had any whiskey. I tried to ignore the little dude, but he wouldn’t stop talking.

  “If you reconsider, just know it’s always an option,” the demon said. “In fact, if you die, I’m automatically returned to my dimension, so if you get tired of me, just remember that. All right, you’re the only person who can see my true form. I can make myself appear to others if I think it’s worth it.”

  “Dude, it’s time for you to shut up.”

  “Are you taking notes? There’s going to be a pop quiz later.”

  “I’m not playing. Go away.”

  “I wish I could, but you have to send me away with your magic.”

  “Abracadabra, alakazam,” I said. “Damn. You’re still here.” I went back to the living room and plopped on the sofa. I figured that maybe if I watched TV this asshole would shut up. I grabbed the remote, turned on the TV.

  Kevin appeared on the screen. He waved at me from where he stood by the sofa, and at the same time, from on the TV screen. “I promise not to behave as we go through our little trials and tribulations. It sucks that I’m not allowed to kill or maim, but I can wreak havoc in varied and sundry ways, which I certainly look forward to exploring over the next twenty years.”

  “Hold on. Twenty years?”

  “That’s the length of the contract.”

  “No. You need to get the hell out of here now.”

  “Then make me. You can banish me as soon as your power is strong enough.”

  I grinned. “I’ll have Sabrina vanquish your ass.”

  “The only beings in this dimension who can get rid of me are you, once you develop the necessary skillset, and your father, who summoned me in the first place. He won’t do it, so that leaves my fate in your incapable hands. You can gather all the mages, witches, dogs, cats, fish, and bumble bees you like, but not all the king’s wizards, nor all the king’s mistresses can rid the world of my wonderful presence.”

  “We’ll see about that.”

  “Indeed we shall. Just remember, you brought this on yourself.”

  “Like hell I did.”

  He kept smiling. “I will keep you working on a set schedule. It’s in my best interest to make sure you’re gaining power. Now that I’ve told you all this, I’m going to lower myself to your level, if I can go that low.”

  “I’ll blow your head off with a shotgun,” I said.

  “Sounds like fun. Do you have a shotgun?”

  “No.”

  “Then maybe you’d just like to blow me.” The demon yanked his underwear down. His big red dick popped out like a jack-in-the-box. “Buddy up on this right here.”

  I jumped back. “Put that thing away.”

  “Just taking things to your level,” he said, waving it at me.

  I covered me eyes. “Dude!”

  He laughed. “If you weren’t such a shitty wizard, Gorenzia would be playing with this right now.” He pulled up his briefs.

  “You’re disgusting.”

  “Thank you. All right, would you like me to explain the parameters we’ll be working under?”

  “The only thing I want you to explain is how to get rid of your sorry ass.”

  “Magic, you dumbass.”

  “You’re the dumbass.”

  He shook his head. “I think I’m still overestimating your intellect.”

  “What kind of magic? What spell in particular?”

  “It’s not a particular spell. It’s taking magic, bending it to your will and making things happen. Reshaping the universe as you see fit within your limited jurisdiction. It’s not that difficult to send a being like me back to my dimension. I don’t belong here. You just have to dial up the will and the way. Too many words for you? Anything I need to define?”

  “Fuck you. How do I do that?”

  He shrugged. “I just told you.”

  “You’re no help.”

  “Oh, I’ll be very helpful.” He maneuvered around in front of me as he waved his hands. Bolts of energy shot into me. Each blast felt like getting thumped by a kid doing a finger flick.

  A weird flavor burst onto my tongue, but it disappeared after a fraction of a second. My nose twitched. My eyes burned for a moment.

  “Based on what you’ve said so far, that’s a good start,” he said.

  “What did you just do to me?”

  He grinned. “Oh, but that would be telling.”

  I tried to kick him, but my foot went right through him. He solidified around my leg and punched me in the family jewels.

  I bent forward in that moment before the pain hit. He phased through my leg and laughed as I blew air out and put my hands protectively over my crotch to prevent further attacks. Too little too late, but at least I didn’t take a third shot.

  When my voice returned, I said, “You suck.”

  “Not everything that sucks is bad,” he said. Now, gather up your balls, and we’ll get started. You’ve got some magic to learn.”

  CHAPTER TWO

  Muse on the Strand was a new club in the Strand district, and my band, Sabrina Tenn and the Magicians, was scheduled to perform their grand opening show. Some act called Helen and the Peregrines was headlining. I’d never heard of them. Chuck and Teddy booked the gig because it paid. Michael, Sabrina, and I didn’t much care about the financial side of things, but Chuck and Teddy needed money to pay their bills. They even had regular jobs. Poor saps.

  The bar was crowded thanks to the promise of cheap drink specials for the guys and free drinks for the ladies. A group of dudes who were never going to get lucky, sat at a table bitching about how the women got free drinks, but the men didn’t. I shook my head and didn’t engage with them. If they didn’t like it, they could go down the street to another bar where ladies didn’t get free drinks, and the guys could have their own little sausage party.

  Kevin walked through people unnoticed, and as he passed a woman in a low-cut blouse, he pushed her clutch purse off the tall round table. She bent to pick it up and he leaned over to stare down her front. He rose with a grin and winked at me. I rolled my eyes. Little demon perv. Just what I needed.

  Did he really think things like that put him on my level? What did that say about me? I didn’t do things like that. I mean, if a woman’s leaning over, I’m bound to look because I’m a guy, but I don’t try to knock things over to make them pick things up.

  When the woman put the purse back on the table, Kevin grinned and reached over to cop a feel. The woman pushed her chair back. “Who did that?” she demanded as she pulled some pepper spray from her purse.

  Kevin chuckled, and pointed at me. I tried to slap his hand down, but passed right through him.

  The woman glared at me. She aimed the pepper spray at me. “Did you grab me?”

  “What?” I asked. “I didn’t do anything.”

  She must have realized I was too far away to be the douchebag because she lowered the spray. I already hated the damn demon.

  Sabrina waved to me from the back of the bar. She’d changed her hair color and style, and now looked like a purple-haired Cleopatra. She even wore extra mascara to try and achieve a more Egyptian look. I tilted my guitar case as I squeezed between patrons to maneuver my way to the stage. Chuck had his drums already set up, and Teddy’s guitar sat on a stand beside Michael’s bass near the wall and blocked from the view of the audience by massive stacks of Marshall amps. I slid my case onto the stage far enough that it would be out of reach should someone want to try and grab it without climbing into full view of everyone. Kevin jumped onto the stage and sat on the case. Was he being protective or trying to damage my guitar? I had no idea. Nobody else could see him because the little bastard wa
s still in stealth mode.

  “You’re late,” Sabrina said.

  “I’m early,” I said. “You said nine. That’s still a couple minutes away.”

  “I said we go on at nine, but to be here at eight.”

  Michael came out of the restroom. He wore a black leather jacket in spite of the lack of air conditioning. His eyes were hidden by dark sunglasses, and his long, dark hair flowed perfectly around his face as he walked. It had to be a supernatural effect. His own perpetual gust of wind. And that walk had just the right amount of bounce to draw attention and still look cool. He was a vampire, so he couldn’t practice that walk in front of a mirror. Yes, I was a little jealous.

  He gave me a nod as he slipped an arm around Sabrina. “Glad you could join us.”

  Michael and Sabrina had been doing the horizontal bop for a few months now, and neither of them seemed to be getting tired of the other. In the time I’d known Michael, he’d had a different girl every night until he hooked up with my cousin.

  A couple of drumbeats broke through the din of the crowd. I glanced over to the stage. Chuck was in his seat, tapping the bass drum.

  “Might want to get plugged in,” Michael said. “We need to start the show.”

  Teddy walked on stage and grabbed his guitar. He strummed a few chords.

  “Let’s rock,” I said and climbed the steps to the stage. I put in earplugs to protect my hearing, then pulled the guitar case away from Kevin, who flipped me off before moving to the side where he could watch the show. I took out my guitar, plugged in, and plucked my magic pick from between two strings on the neck.

  I let my fingers dance across the frets while the pick worked its magic, making an Eddie Van Halen style riff flow from the instrument. It sounded great, but the blood price for the pick’s magic had been paid by a long line of amazing guitarists, living and dead. I rolled into “You Really Got Me” by the Kinks.

  Sabrina glared at me as she stepped up to the microphone.

  Oops. We’d changed the set list. I grinned and shifted to a solo that allowed me to lead into the opening of Scandal’s “The Warrior.”

  Sabrina nodded and started singing. She amped up the energy level and the crowd nodded in rhythm with our playing. Sabrina liked newer songs, of course, but she had a thing for eighties tunes, so we worked quite a few of them into our sets.